There is No one like our God…

 

 

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No one Like our God (:

My mind cannot begin to comprehend. My words cannot express. My love cannot demonstrate. My life is not deserving of how great our God is. There truly is no one like our God. I believe that those who haven’t accepted Christ haven’t come to truly experience his love and mercy.

Many times, we are put on trial. We face troubles. We cry. We face loss. We encounter death. We wish to disperse of life itself. But through it all, he is there.

Isaiah 43:2 reads, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Yes, I will pass through the waters, I will pass through the rivers, I will walk through the fire, but my God will be there through it all with me.

For the longest time, my heart has yearned to do nothing more than to live a life full of love and content. For a while, I wanted nothing more than to major in ministry and begin ministry and missionary work along the way. Whilst the Lord has made it evident that he has other plans for my life, I am excited to say that I am certain I will still be heavily involved in ministry work in the near future. The joy my heart sings from knowing that I am loved by the creator of the universe is one I wish everyone experienced. It is because of this that I wish to lead others to the Lord.

The Journey will be rough but it will be worth it. It will always be worth it.

 

( No height or depth can stand between us
No power on earth or all creation
No life or death can separate us from your love
No height or depth can stand between us
No power on earth or all creation
No life or death can separate us from your love )

 

 

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This is who I am

My name is Carlynn. I am 18 years old. I am a senior in high school. In a couple of months, I will be going off to college. I have struggled through this year in an attempt to uncover who I am and who I want to be. High school has been a journey. Unlike many, I actually enjoyed most of it. I have had a great group of friends through my four years. But then senior year changes people and friendships.

I have hated myself for the longest time. I stand here at the top of my class with a 4.60 GPA. I stand here with a love and passion for music. I stand here with a life dedicated to Christ. I stand here with a place to call home and food on the table for me to eat, yet I cannot help but hate myself and everything that I do.

Through this year, I have learned many things. Many hurtful things. I have learned that people care. People always will care, however sometimes those who you expect to care – won’t actually care. I have also learned that some battles are best fought alone. Loneliness is something that you can control. If you want people to talk to you, talk to people. Make that phone call. Send that text. Make the first move. If you don’t, will it ever happen?

This is me img_1327

I look at myself and all I see is failure and regret. All I see is fat. All I see and all that I feel is hate.

However,

That is not who I am.

My mistakes DO NOT define who I am.

Neither do my successes.

I am not labeled as a failure, a musician, a flautist, a pianist, a daughter, a friend, an IB student, or a success.

The person I am is defined by my faith in Christ. I am renewed each and every single day in him. I am his beloved. I am loved. I am cared for. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am worthy, worthy of both love and affection. Nothing that I can do will ever separate myself from this truth.

It’s hard for me to view myself this way but that does not diminish the truth it holds. With that said, here are a couple of verses to meditate on when life seems nothing but impossible:

  • Philippians 4:13
  • Joshua 1:9
  • Isaiah 53:5

– With love,

Carlynn R.

Life continues..

Image result for sunset

My brain is messed up. All I want to do is shed my skin. I am so sick. I am so sick of the world. I hate seeing people be mean to others. I want to be there for everyone. But I never want to be there for myself. I would rather save others than myself. I full on wish that I could stop wanting to hurt myself. I just want the best for everyone including myself. But I can’t help thinking of all the possibilities. I was always the problem. It was always about me. And i could die. I could take my life away. Maybe people would be upset. But everyone would recover. The sun would still rise. There would still be a sunset. The clock will continue ticking. Life would continue. People would go back to their regular systematic habits and rituals.

Life would continue. Life always continues.

 

12/29

December 29 is my birthday.

It is the day I isolate myself from everyone.

As a person who chooses not to acknowledge their day of birth, that does not mean I wish everyone to act as if the 29th of December wasn’t the day I was born.

Look at those all around you.

Everyone has pain in their lives.

Be kind to one another.

Love one another.

Wish one another the happiest of days on their birthday.

Take it from someone who has nothing left to work towards, those two words mean a lot.

It also means a lot when they are not said.

Hanging by a thread

 

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Hanging By a Thread. 1/09/18

 

” When I cry, I close my eyes and every tear falls down inside.

And I pray, with all my might, that I will find my heart in someone’s arms – when I cry.

When I cry, when I am sad, I think of every awful thing I ever did.

When I cry, there is no love. No there is nothing that can comfort me at night when I cry.

The salt inside my body ruins, everyone I come close to, my hands are barely holding up my head. I am so tired of looking at my feet, all the secrets that I keep.

My heart is barely hanging by a thread.

Oh, look at me, at all I’ve done.

I’ve lost so many things that I so dearly loved.

I lost my soul. I lost my pride. I lost any hope of having a sweet life.

So I cry.

The salt inside my body ruins, everyone I come close to, my hands are barely holding up my head. I am so tired of looking at my feet, all the secrets that I keep.

My heart is barely hanging by a thread.

I miss you all. I wish I was with you now, I wish I was. “

 

  • I should not be able to relate so much to a song, but sadly I do.

 

cont..

I don’t know how to admit that I am broken. How can I be alright?

I am a mess. I want someone to find me and look at me and tell me what I need to hear. I am done with everyone sugar coating everything. I feel like this blog in itself is one big suicide note which will drastically end with the ending of my life. How can you know I feel this way or how could one read all pieces of my writing and think that I am okay?

  • How: Because no one cares.

 

1/09/18

I do not know where I am.

How can I free my mind? Because I can’t breathe. I am trapped. And everyone is holding me hostage.

I have recurring dreams in which I wake up in a panic.

How can I live in the moment, when my thoughts never feel like my own? How can I be alright? – Because I can’t breathe.

 

Today

A year ago, I was a completely different person.

A year ago I had long dark hair.

A year ago I couldn’t part with my thick framed glasses.

A year ago, the thought of having my braces removed terrified me just because I was accustomed with how I looked.

A year ago I was 15 pounds lighter.

A year ago I was musically and educationally inclined.

A year ago my grades were fantastic.

A year ago I still had friends.

A year ago, I was okay with who I was.

A year ago, I hid behind the crowd, not wanting to stand out.

A year ago I attended church every Sunday.

A year ago, I knew who I wanted to become.

A year ago, I thought I knew who I was.

Today;

Today is a new day.

Today I am afraid. Afraid of change.

Today I have short highlighted hair.

Today I wear contacts.

Today I try to remember to slip on my clear retainers at night.

Today my weight fluctuates.

Today I want to shed my skin.

Today I want to do more than play music and study.

Today I sit with less than perfect grades.

Today, I am by myself.

Today, I can say that I have lost most of my friends.

Today, I am a different person than I was a year ago.

1/02/18

 

12/5

The days that are following are some of the sourest days I have ever come in contact with.

My worst day was not the day I tried to take my life, rather my worst days are comprised of the days that followed that bitter day.

No one knows what to do with me. Teachers, friends, administrators, adults – everyone thinks I am just I don’t know – stupid?

I mean, maybe I am. In fact, I agree with that statement. I don’t know. Everything is just confusing and conflicting. I have had so many things said to me in the past days. I have been told how lucky I am. I have been told how much of a scare I gave people and the effect I have had on some. I have also been told that I am a project that is being worked on. In all reality, I may be broken. However, my brokenness cannot be mended as simply as everyone thinks.

I sit here. And I want to throw everything. I want to destroy everything along with my life. No one cares to ask how I am doing or how I am holding up. Rather, everyone is almost scared to approach me.

I do not understand how I am supposed to be capable of continuing as if nothing ever happened. I mean, according to what people know – nothing really did happen. But something did happen.

I did try to take my life away.  It did happen. And I failed.

I failed.

If failure does not describe my life – then I do not know what does.

But instead, I am here. I am alive. I am trying to continue school and life but no one understands. No one understands how difficult it is to even get out of bed, knowing that I should not physically be here.

Although I am not dead, I feel as if I am. I feel as if the person I once was is dead and non-existing. Today I am simply existing and not living. I am a walking, breathing, and talking corpse.

I know that people do not know how to react or how to approach me. And I understand that it is difficult. However, I have never felt so alone. I have never felt so despised. I have never felt so hated. It sucks. I say it all the time, but it truly does suck.

I walk into a room and people walk the other direction. I walk into a room and people cannot even look at me – much less talk to me. I have lost everyone who had once meant so much to me. Along the way, I have managed to lose myself. Completely lose myself.

Exactly a year ago, I had everything figured out. I thought I had everything. And I did. Life was great – there were struggles. But overall it was great.

Today I still wish not to be here. I have to wake up every single day and pretend that I am okay. Pretend that nothing happened. Pretend that I just had a bad day. All I want to actually do is stop everything. I will say it over and over again. I really wish that things had played out in my favor. But the reality is that it didn’t.

It did not. I failed. I failed just like I have failed everything else. I failed just like I have failed myself. My life is literally nothing but a mess. My life is a mess based off of the failure and chaos that I have caused and created.

In all truth, I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself. I have already forgiven everyone without being apologized to – because anger itself is a wasted emotion.

I truly do not know where to go from where I am. I do not know what I am expected to do. I do not know what I expect MYSELF to do. I expected myself to not be here – after that day I think I internally disappeared.